The Art of Intimate Conversation

Think about parties.  Most people interrupt each other and talk past one another.  No one is really listening is happening.  There is a serious lack of good communication.  How often o we talk past one another in our conversations with our spouse?  Cross talk prevents us from having the kind of closeness that solidifies a bond.

Dr. John Gottman (who is a genius, in my opinion) discussed the art of intimate conversation.  He also refers to this as attunement - when we are really understanding one another on a deeper level and lovingly expressing that knowledge to each other.  When we are turning toward our spouse and practicing attunement, we know that real intimacy exists between a husband and wife.  Attunement means that you are paying attention to the subtle clues that your partner giving you.

There are four steps to intimate conversation:

1.  Put your feelings into words.  
Sometimes it's hard to put your feelings into words.  There are so many emotions and so many different words that can be used to describe them.  If you are unsure of what exactly your feeling, test out different words and see which ones allow you to articulate your feelings the best.

2.  Ask open ended questions.
Thinking of open ended questions can be hard.  It's a lot easier to ask questions that can be answered with a "yes" or "no."  Avoid this.  Only answering "yes" or "no" to a question doesn't allow for further discussion.  Ask questions that will encourage your spouse to expand and keep the conversation going.

3.  Follow up with statements that deepen connection.
After your spouse answers a question, respond to them by telling them what you got out of their answer.  Basically, repeat what you heard in your own words.  This will allow you know if you truly understand what your spouse is saying.  If you don't, then it gives your spouse more time to communicate what they feel/think.

4.  Express compassion and empathy.
Be your spouse's biggest cheerleader.  During this step, it's so important to just listen to what they have to say.  Don't try to solve their problems or give advice/opinions.  (This shouldn't happen until all four steps have been completed.)  If your spouse asks for advice, feel free to give it.  Gottman says, "Understanding must precede advice," and I completely agree.  Empathy allows that to happen.

Relationship reconnection:  If you choose to do this as a date, this will enrich your relationship.  Take the chance to turn toward your spouse.  Practicing and mastering this art of intimate conversation will help prevent disagreements from starting.