Marital Type

Let's talk about marital styles for a second.  Did you know that there was such a thing?  There are three main marital styles:  validating, volatile, and avoidant.  The best way to determine which marital style you and your spouse have is to observe the way that you fight.

Gottman does this in his Love Lab.  He observes the frequency of fights, facial expressions, physiological responses, and tone of voice of the couple he is observing.  Here's what he's noticed about each style:

Validating - These couples will let their partner know that they are considering their opinions during an argument.  They will also validate their spouse's emotions, even if they don't agree with them.  During a heated discussion, these couples show a lot of ease and calmness.  They listen to and understand the other's point of view.

Volatile - With these couples, they go big or go home.  They fight on a grand scale, but their make-up is even grander.  Neither spouse is withdrawn or uninvolved.  There is a high level of engagement during discussions.  These couples don't have interest in hearing the other person's point of view - they try to persuade the other person.  It's all about winning the argument.

Avoidant - These couples make light of differences and do not resolve and address the issues.  Not a lot gets settled in discussions.  A phrase that is commonly used in the relationship is "agree to disagree."  These couples always fall back on their shared philosophy of marriage and love.  While they rarely agree, they leave their unresolved conversation feeling good about one another.

What I love about each of these styles is that no one is specifically right for everyone.  Each style can have a stable and happy marriage.  Pay attention next time you have an argument and see what marital style you and your spouse have.