Repairs

What comes to your mind when you hear the word repairs?  I think of repairs to my car and I kind of dread it.  Probably because of the experiences that I've had with costly, seemingly never-ending repairs on my car.  Well, the thing with repairs is that if done correctly, they can be really beneficial and save you trouble in the future.

I'm talking about relationship repairs.  First, let's talk about "sliding door moments."  This is a term coined by John Gottman.  In our relationships, we are always wanting support and understanding from our spouse.  Those times we want support and understanding, we give bids to our spouse.  (These bids can be simple or complex:  "Will you help Evelyn brush her teeth?"  "Would you make me a sandwich?"  "I need your help.")  These bids create opportunities for sliding door moments.  One spouse will state their need (this can be subtle, but aren't always) and you will be at the sliding door moment.  You can close the door and walk away or open it and walk through.

There are moments where the sliding door moment isn't a success.  The way you respond to the bids and sliding door moments will determine if you need a repair or not.  There are two types of repairs:  cognitive and emotional.  I've used some of these repairs in my own relationships and they really do make a difference.  I feel like it gets the relationship back on track to where it should be.  (I'm not going to give the full list of repairs that Gottman mention.)

Cognitive repairs:
-Compromise
This seems pretty self explanatory.  Find that middle ground that you both agree on.  It will foster cooperation.
-Monitor the conflict
This repair makes sure that the discussion stays on track.  You can point out if you are getting off topic or if things are getting too intense.
-Ask for credit
If your spouse wanted you to do something, point out a time when you did just that.
-Stop
If the conversation isn't helpful and is doing more harm than good, put a stop to it.  Pick it up at a different time.

Emotional repairs:
-Agree
This repair I feel appeals to empathy.  You agree that your partner is right to some degree because of their perception.
-Express affection
Offer a physical gesture that shows that you care about and appreciate your spouse.
-Make promises
Now, don't go off the deep end making all these promises.  But, if there is something you can promise (and will keep that promise), go ahead and do it.
-Use humor
This can help so much (I might use this sometimes, or a lot of times.).  However, you need to make sure that your humor isn't critical of your spouse.  That will do even more damage.

Some of you are probably already doing these things.  I know when I read about them, there were some that I recognized that I was already doing.  But, practicing these repairs (as needed) will allow you to understand one another better.