Marital Type

Let's talk about marital styles for a second.  Did you know that there was such a thing?  There are three main marital styles:  validating, volatile, and avoidant.  The best way to determine which marital style you and your spouse have is to observe the way that you fight.

Gottman does this in his Love Lab.  He observes the frequency of fights, facial expressions, physiological responses, and tone of voice of the couple he is observing.  Here's what he's noticed about each style:

Validating - These couples will let their partner know that they are considering their opinions during an argument.  They will also validate their spouse's emotions, even if they don't agree with them.  During a heated discussion, these couples show a lot of ease and calmness.  They listen to and understand the other's point of view.

Volatile - With these couples, they go big or go home.  They fight on a grand scale, but their make-up is even grander.  Neither spouse is withdrawn or uninvolved.  There is a high level of engagement during discussions.  These couples don't have interest in hearing the other person's point of view - they try to persuade the other person.  It's all about winning the argument.

Avoidant - These couples make light of differences and do not resolve and address the issues.  Not a lot gets settled in discussions.  A phrase that is commonly used in the relationship is "agree to disagree."  These couples always fall back on their shared philosophy of marriage and love.  While they rarely agree, they leave their unresolved conversation feeling good about one another.

What I love about each of these styles is that no one is specifically right for everyone.  Each style can have a stable and happy marriage.  Pay attention next time you have an argument and see what marital style you and your spouse have.

Take Pictures

I love taking pictures.  I have since I was a teenager.  I'm not a professional by any means, but I love the documentation that comes along with it.  (Sometimes, it's hard for me since my husband doesn't love to take pictures.)

Go get your pictures taken.  You can have someone take them professionally or use a timer with a camera.  When I say get your pictures taken, I'm not talking about the standard selfie that comes along with almost each date or occasion.

Relationship reconnection - Do something fun with some of the pictures.  (I've always wanted to do an Anne of Green Gables theme.)  This will push you outside your limits together.  Sometimes, it's really hard to be goofy when you know someone is taking your picture.  However, enjoy each other and be excited for the lasting memories that are being made.

Happy dating!

Babysitting

Babysitting a niece, nephew, and sister

Let's talk about kids for a second.  We know that adding children to the family is awesome and yet, it totally changes a marriage/your relationship with your spouse.  I think for me, the hardest part about having a child was still trying to find time each week to go on a date with my spouse.  It can be challenging to find time in your busy schedules, while still trying to find someone to watch the kids.  If I do find a babysitter, I worry that I'm imposing or that my child is not being well behaved.  Anyways...

This date is all about allowing someone else a date night.  Find a couple, whether it's a friend, someone from church, or a neighbor and offer to babysit their child(ren) for the night while they go on a date.  Doing it as a couple is a date for yourself, but you're also allowing that other couple to have a night to themselves.  Win-win in my book.  I love it when my husband and I babysit together because he tumbles and wrestles with the kids.  They absolutely love it and kids just love him.  

Relationship reconnection:  As you are babysitting, find something that makes you a unique team.  Maybe he's great with the kids and you're a great cook.  Find your ying and yang is.  Maybe you're the person whose job it is to lay down the law and your spouse lets them jump on the bed.  Find whatever it is that balances you out as a couple.

Happy dating!

Planting a Garden

My family is in the middle of a move right now and so it can be hard to find time for a date amidst the chaos.  However, I wanted to talk about a date that was work, but still fun at the same time.

My husband and I decided to put in a garden this year.  It's our first garden that we've done together and to say that we were ambitious is an understatement.  However, our date was to plant the garden together.  (And we try to keep it weeded together, but that doesn't always work.)  This date took a lot of planning, which was fun for us because we got to plan what we wanted to grow and where the seeds went in the garden.

If you don't enjoy gardening (I'm still learning to) you can help someone move.  That's another place where you can work together.  It's also giving service and that's always rewarding.  However, I love the garden metaphor and how it relates to relationships.  You reap what you sow.  So, plant good seeds of love and respect in your relationship.

Relationship reconnection:  Watch your spouse do their work and compliment them on what you admire most.  I think this date is awesome because you really see what your spouse is made of when it comes to hard work.  And, as my mother says, "You can't fake work ethic."  Try to work on implementing that part of their work ethic into your own.

Happy dating!

Library Book Swap

I love to utilize my local library as much as I possibly can.  It's amazing and you can get almost any book that you want.  With this date, go to the library with the purpose of finding a book for your spouse to read.  I love this because it gives you a sense of what your spouse likes to read.  You can also do it where you try to find a book with your spouse's taste in mind.

I think this will get you out of your reading box and who knows - you might find a genre that you absolutely love that you never would have thought to read before.

Relationship reconnection:  Make this like your own book club.  After you have read your books, discuss one another what you liked about it (or if you didn't like it).  Talk about why you picked that certain book for your partner.  This gives you the chance to get a glimpse at how your spouse sees you and as well, talk about your preferences when it comes to books.

Happy dating!

TBT date

If you're on social media, you are definitely aware of Throwback Thursday or TBT.  This date is all about that.  However, this TBT date doesn't have be done on Thursday if you don't want it to be.  On this date, watch old television shows together that you enjoyed back in the day.  Or, you could be like me and haven't stopped watching them since you were a kid.  If you don't want to watch a TV show, pick a movie. 

Some of the TBT shows that my husband and I have watched are:  Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Full House, Boy Meets World, and Recess.  We also throw it back really far and watch movies that were made before we were born.  Last night, we finished off Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

Get creative.  Maybe you will find a show that you both love or one that neither or you have seen.  You could throw it back even more and eat your favorite childhood snack or something. 

Relationship reconnection:  After your show is done, share a memory with one another.  Maybe you want to share the memory of first watching the show or what it reminds you of.  Whatever memory you come up with.

Happy dating!

Build Something Together

When Jeff and I moved to Iowa, we were unpacking and realized that we had an enormous amount of DVDs and VHS tapes.  (Yes, we still have a VCR and love it!)  Seeing this, we decided that we were going to build a shelf specifically for them since we had run out of places to put them. 

What I love about this project is that it can be one you make yourself or find plans off of the internet.  It's really up to you, depending on your skill level.  We decided to make our own plans and we made a simple shelf that was perfect for our space and all of our movies.

It doesn't have to be a shelf.  My sister and her husband built a picnic table together (that's on my bucket list!) and it turned out awesome.  Build a birdhouse, a bench, bookends, or a bedside table.  There are so many different options.

Relationship reconnection:  This date will let you spend a lot of time together (especially if you are building something bigger).  Enjoy that time together, talking and working.  Don't allow yourself to get distracted.  Life gets so hectic that often couples don't have time for one another.  However, you're together until the project is done, which could be days.

Happy dating!

Foreign Cuisine

I think this is such a fun date.  It may sound weird, but it's pretty great.  We have actually done it a couple of times.  Learn to cook/make a foreign cuisine together.  My husband lived in Brazil for a while and I made some Brazilian lemonade and cheese bread for him.  He absolutely loved it and was grateful for the surprise.  It was also very delicious.

We also did it for the opening night of the Sochi Olympics in 2014.  I don't even remember what we made, but it was good.  It was the first time I've ever made Russian food.  It's fun to research what you are going to make and doing it together.

Relationship reconnection:  Talk about food.  Discuss what things you're willing to try or eat (in case you were on Fear Factor - is that show still on?) or what you wouldn't eat for a million dollars.  I think it's little things like this that connect us.  This is fun and you really will learn something.  Today, I found out that my husband hates anchovies.  I had no idea. 

Happy dating!

Write Your Story

How did you meet your spouse?  Is it a crazy story?  Was it love at first sight?  How long did you date?  Did you have a long engagement? 

I feel like these are questions that my daughter is going to ask one day.  She's going to want to know the story of how my husband and I met and ask a whole bunch of questions.  Luckily for her, my husband and I recorded all of that.

We documented it over a couple of nights.  We took turns going through the big events and each sharing what we were feeling or thinking during those times.  It was so much fun because not only did I get to hear my husband's side of the story, but there were things I didn't know.  It was so fun because we were reliving it.

Record your own story.  Do it with pictures and captions.  Write it down.  Record it on a tape (that's what we did).  Not only so you always have it and can remember those little details, but also for your posterity.  I think it'll be awesome one day when my grandchild is digging through my old boxes and comes across this awesome story.

Relationship reconnection:  Take something from your story and recreate it.  Whether it's the food you ate on your first date or a movie that you watched.  Maybe you will take your spouse to the place where you proposed or where you got married.  Reminisce and talk about what impacted you the most about that specific something.

I put this picture in this post because my husband and I are doing the relationship reconnection.  Jeff and I came to this spot to look out over the Mississippi River on our first date.  He got the courage to put his arm around me while we were sitting at this bench.  This picture is from our wedding day.  We went back to the bench and took a picture.

Happy dating!

Swimming

Okay, it's getting hot and humid here in Wisconsin.  The thing that I really want to do (other than sit inside blasting the air conditioner) is be in the water.  It's also cheaper than the air conditioner idea. 

There are some great places to go swimming around here.  I grew up here and honestly, I had no idea that these even existed.  When we lived in Iowa, we bought a summer pass to the pool.  That was heavenly.

Here is a website that I found that has a big list of places to go be in the water:

http://whoonew.com/2013/07/pools-splash-pads-green-bay-fox-cities/

Relationship reconnection:  I feel like your playful side comes out when water is involved.  While you're cooling off, make an effort to physically touch your spouse.  Give them a hug, hold their hand, etc. - something that lets them know that you love them.  Physical touch is so important in a marriage.

Happy dating!

Trampoline Park

Every single city that my husband and I have lived in, I have also found the trampoline park and wanted to go.  We haven't yet, but it's on my bucket list.  I was just talking to my mother about trampolines the other day since our neighbors just got a new one.  As a kid, I would eye up the trampolines when we went to Sam's Club and I would tell my mom that if all of us kids would donate so much money each, we could afford to buy a trampoline.  That never worked, but that doesn't change the fact that I have always loved trampolines.

Here are the few that I found that service this area:

Xtreme Air
http://www.xtremeairfun.com/

Sky Zone Trampoline Park
http://www.skyzone.com/appleton

Relationship reconnection:  In a stable and happy marriage, it's important that the positive outweigh the negative.  During this date, make a conscious effort to say only positive things to your spouse.  If you do say or think something negative, say five positive things to your spouse. 

Happy dating!

Trust Metric

We all know that trust is a huge part in marriage.  Without it, a marriage really can't exist or thrive.  I love quizzes and when I saw that Gottman had a trust metric quiz in one of his books, I had my husband and I take it.  I'm going to put it on here for you to take so that you can get a good sense of the amount of trust you have in your own relationship.

Instructions:
For each of the items, write whether your agree or disagree with each item by writing SD (strongly disagree), D (disagree), N (neither agree nor disagree), A (agree), or SA (strongly agree).

1.  I feel protected by my partner.
2.  My partner is faithful to me.
3.  My partner is there for me financially.
4.  Sometimes I feel uneasy around my partner.
5.  I don't think my partner has intimate relationships with others.
6.  From now on, my partner would not have children with anyone but me.
7.  My partner fully loves our children and/or is at least respectful of my own children.
8.  I believe that you can trust most people.
9.  My partner helps me feel emotionally secure.
10.  I know my partner will always be a close friend.
11.  My partner will commit to help provide for our children.
12.  When the chips are down, I can count on my partner to sacrifice for me and our family.
13.  My partner does housework.
14.  My partner will work hard to increase our financial security.
15.  My partner doesn't respect me.
16.  My partner makes me feel sexually desirable.
17.  My partner takes my feelings into account when making decisions.
18.  I know that my partner will take care of me when I'm sick.
19.  When we aren't getting along, my partner will work with my on our relationship.
20.  My partner is there for me emotionally.
21.  My partner does not overuse alcohol and drugs.
22.  My partner acts romantically towards me.
23.  My partner is kind to me family.
24.  I can rely on my partner to talk to me when I'm sad or angry.
25.  My partner belittles or humiliates me.
26.  There is at least one person who comes first to my partner rather than me.
27.  My partner will work with me as a part of a financial unit.
28.  I have power and influence in this relationship.
29.  My partner shows others how much he or she cherishes me.
30.  My partner helps carry the load of child care.
31.  I just can't trust my partner completely.
32.  My partner keeps his or her promises.
33.  My partner is a moral person.
34.  My partner does what he or she agrees to do.
35.  My partner will betray my confidences.
36.  My partner is affectionate toward me.
37.  In arguments I can trust my partner to really listen to me.
38.  My partner shares in and honors my dreams.
39.  I fear my partner could stray.
40.  My partner's words and deeds reflect the values we say we agree on.
41.  My partner makes love to me often.
42.  I can count on my partner to build or maintain a sense of family and community with me.

Scoring:

Step one:  Score your answers to questions 4, 15, 25, 31, 35, and 39 using the following scale.  Then add them up:
SA = 1
A = 2
N = 3
D = 4
SD = 5
Subtotal____

Step two:  Score your answers to the remainder of the questions using this scale:
SA = 5
A = 4
N = 3
D = 2
SD = 1
Subtotal____

Step three:  Add your two subtotals to calculate your trust metric.

What does your score mean?

0-52 - You have a low degree of trust in your partner and your relationship.
53-105 - Your trust level is moderate.
106-210 - You have a deep sense of trust in your partner.

*This quiz comes from the book "What Makes Love Last?  How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal" by John Gottman.

Baseball Game

We went to a Wisconsin Woodchucks game this week and it gave me a chance to practice all of my baseball heckling and baseball movie quotes. 

"He can't hit, he can't hit, he can't hit, sa-wing batter!"

"Wait for the good pitches."  "Run home Jack!"

It's a semi-pro team, but it was all-star fun.  It was actually a double date with my cousin and her husband.  I'm calling this a fancy date because it was for my husband and me.  We ate at the park and spent more money that we normally would.  We sprung for the good seats with the backs instead of the bleachers.  We did, however, get free hats and that was awesome!  Plus, the Woodchucks won and we got to see a grand slam.

Relationship reconnection:  Watch the couple that you are out with.  See how they interact and talk to each other.  Find something that you admire about them.  Discuss with your spouse what you liked the most. 

Happy dating!

Building a House

When I say building a house, I don't actually mean doing that.  I'm talking about the house that you build in your relationship between your spouse.  When you get married, you and your spouse create your own house.  You have fence around your relationship to help protect it.  You also build a wall around your relationship when you are working at becoming a unit.  There is a window between the two of you that continues to be open when you have open communication and continue to work together.

Windows close, walls crumble, and fences open when you share yourself to another person and not your spouse.  In a technology world, it's can be very easy to connect on social media.  It's easy to vent to a co-worker.  It's easy to make a phone call or send a text to a former boyfriend or girlfriend, expressing frustrations.  Don't avoid conflict.  Talk things out.  Marriages that avoid conflict are especially prone to infidelity.

Make rules and guidelines for your relationship.  My husband and I have sat down and discussed protocol when it comes to Facebook.  We went through and deleted all of our former boyfriends/girlfriends.  We had rules when it came to my husband's study groups when he was in school.  There are guidelines we have established when it comes to working with co-workers of the opposite sex.

Keep your relationships safe and your walls and fences built around your special relationship.

Take a Class

It's intimidating to learn a new skill sometimes, but I think it's way more fun with a buddy.  Take a class with your spouse for a date night.  There are so many different classes that you can take.  Dance classes, painting classes. pottery classes, guitar lessons, wood working, etc.  The possibilities are endless.  So, think of something that you would love to do together and pursue that.  I'll list below a few different local options of classes:

Painting:

Here's a website that has painting classes in Green Bay and Appleton:  Pinot's Pallette (www.pinotspalette.com)

Dancing:

A few websites for dance classes in Appleton:  Valley Social Dance Studio (http://www.valleysocial.com/) and TC Dance Club (http://tcdanceclubwi.com/)

Cooking Classes:

The Wire Whisk in Appleton (https://thewirewhisk.com/cooking-classes.html) offers cooking classes

Other art classes:  

The Fire in Appleton (http://thefireartstudio.com/) has other art projects that you can do together.  Mosaics, glass fusing, metal clay, and pottery are other options available.

Relationship reconnection:  Learning a new skill together that neither or you know will add a new dimension to your relationship.  Maybe you'll see how you make up for one another's shortcomings.  I think there is something to be said about a bond that you've built together.

Happy dating!

Childhood Games

Revert back to your childhood and have a real throwback Thursday.  (Although today is not Thursday, but don't focus on that. :)  For this date, pick a game to play with your spouse that you loved playing as a kid.

One of my favorite games as a kid was a variation of house.  We called it leaf houses.  We would basically do a blueprint of a gigantic mansion on the lawn, making the walls out of leaves that we raked.  So this is obviously a fall game, but I did it as a date and it was so much fun.  I love that it allows you to use your imagination - perhaps in a way you haven't for a while.

Relationship reconnection:  I feel like this date will give you insight as to who your spouse was as a child and what they were like.  Take this opportunity to go back to a simpler time and rekindle your friendship.  That's the basis of your relationship, so it also can use some attention.

Happy dating!

Sexy Dice Game

Who doesn't love a game to spice up their marriage?  I think that all couples, at one point or another, need to do this.  I love this date because you can totally make it to fit your own needs.  If you've got a die laying around your house, grab it because you will need it.

This date is playing the Sexy Dice Game.  The whole concept is that it will help improve the intimacy in your marriage.  Each person will take a turn rolling the dice.  Assign an action to each number.  For example, if you roll a number one, you get to kiss your spouse wherever you would like.  You get the idea.

Relationship reconnection:  Think of different ideas each time you play.  This time you play, assign actions to the numbers that you think your spouse would like.  The next time, do things that you like.  I like this because it enables you deepen your connection with your spouse, especially on this special level.

Here is a link to a video that also explains the game:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOV9PwtArxo

Happy dating!

Read a book

Here's a date that's simple and enjoyable:  read a book together.  My husband and I just did this and it was awesome.  We read a book by John Gottman called "What Makes Love Last?"  It's a pretty fantastic book and it's taught me a lot.  A lot of what I've learned I have written about on here, but it's still worth the read.

My husband and I have read different books together.  It's fun to explore a new book and sometimes new genre together.  Go to your library and find one that you find interesting.  (Then, if you love it, you can buy it.)

Relationship reconnection:  After you have read the book, find a concept or principle that you both like.  Discuss why you like that and how you can implement that concept into your marriage.  Maybe it's about making an effort to compliment or not getting defensive in conversation.  Whatever it is, find one that you love and apply it.

Happy dating!

U-Pick Strawberries

One of the things that I love about this time of year is that the strawberries are getting ripe.  That means delicious, fresh berries!  Growing up, I always went with my mother to go pick strawberries in the fields at a U-Pick location called Glendale Farms.

I think that this makes a great date for a couple reasons.  The main reason is because it can be a multi-day date.  You go pick the strawberries together and then wash and prepare the berries for processing.  We have made jam, we've frozen the strawberries, made pies, etc.  There are a lot of things that you can do with them.  Or you can just eat until you're stuffed full of strawberry goodness.

Also, I love going to this patch because they have goats and rabbits to feed after you're done picking.  It's pretty great.

Relationship reconnection:  Couples who work together stay together.  Or at least I think so.  Take this opportunity to observe the work ethic of your partner.  See how well you work together.  Build off one another's energy.  This time working together allows you to enhance your communication skills.

Here is the website to the patch where I love to go:  http://glendalestrawberries.com/

Happy dating!

72 Hour Kits

We had a crazy storm blow through last night.  ('Tis the season, right?)  Well, as I was watching that storm blow in fast, I was thinking about the 72 hour kits my husband and I assembled a few years ago.  We did it as a date.  We were meaning to anyways, but we got some handouts from church that gave a general outline of what should be in one, so we made some.  It was really satisfying to work together, deciding what we needed in each kit and making one for every member of our family.  It's a practical date, but I had a great time.

What I love about this date is that you really can tailor your kit to your needs.  When we initially made it, we were poor college students.  Now that my husband has a job, we can add to the kit that we've already created.

A good rule of thumb is to change out items in your kit every six months.  We aren't so great at that, but we try.

Here is a website that I found that had a pretty good list and some good notes:  http://www.urbachletter.com/0306/ComprehensiveChecklist.htm

Relationship reconnection:  Use this time as your planning as an opportunity to discuss your plans for the future.  Maybe you discuss what things are essential and it differs from that of your spouse's ideas.  This is a great time to make some goals and plans for the future.

Happy dating!

Bay Beach

I love Bay Beach!  I love it for many reasons - including 25 cent tickets (making the most expensive ride $1), the cotton candy, and the memories I have there.  My grandparents used to take all of us cousins every year.  We would ride the rides and have a blast.  While it's been years since we've done that, I now love taking my own daughter.  However, it's not as fun when I take a child who isn't able to go on all the rides.  Thus, it also makes for a great place to go on a date.

My husband and I went on a date here when we were engaged or just married - my memory escapes me.  But, we had so much fun.  Be adventurous together.  I don't love roller coasters (okay, more love/hate them), but my husband convinced me to go.  Take turns picking the rides and enjoy the time that you have together. 

Relationship reconnection:  Chances are you'll be in a line for a while, so take the time to chat.  Search for something you don't know about your spouse.  At the end of the date, share with one another that something you learned about the other person.

If you have any questions, here is the website:  http://greenbaywi.gov/baybeach/

Happy dating!

Mountain Bay Trail

In my neck of the woods, we have the Mountain Bay Trail.  It's basically a trail that you can bike on, walk on, etc.  In the winter, it becomes snowmobile trails.  It's where an old railroad track used to lie and has been converted into something amazing.

This trail comes right past my house.  My husband and I have taken many a bike rides and walks on that trail.  For us, it's given me a chance to relate to my husband different stories that I've had on the trail.  (I grew up riding and walking on the trail with my family.)  In that way, it's allowed us not only to get to know each other better, but we've also been able to create our own memories on the trail.

This spring, we went on a ride and collected rocks along the trail.  We painted vegetables on them and used them to mark the rows in our garden.  (That's also another cool all-summer-long date we're doing.)  Use the trail as a calm date opportunity (or a different local trail).

Relationship reconnection:  Use this chance to explore together.  Have some meaningful conversation.  Throughout the conversation, try to ask only open-ended questions.  That will fuel the conversation and you probably will learn a lot from each other.  Also, make an effort to truly listen to the conversation for something new to learn about your spouse.

Happy dating!

Cloud Watching

One of my favorite things to do is be away from all the distractions that we have in this life.  Technology, kids, drama, etc.  All of it clouds our life (pun intended) and it's not to just get away from it all.  

I'm a fan of watching the clouds.  I've done it since I was a little kid.  It's nice to lay outside on a not-so-humid day and not have to worry about the mosquitoes eating you alive.  This can be done during the day or in the evening.  It's interesting to see how the clouds change over the course of the day.  But, the date is going cloud watching.  Find different shapes, figures, animals, etc. in the clouds and try to get your spouse to see them as well.  Make up a story about them.

Relationship reconnection:  Not only does this allow you to use your imagination (probably something you don't do very often with your spouse), but it allows you to take a break from the bluster.  Disconnect from your wifi and connect with your spouse.  Hold hands while you watch the clouds go by.

Happy dating!

Weekly Council

I've learned in many different classes throughout my education that it is really beneficial to have family councils, or meetings, each week.  There are many different kinds of councils:  husband and wife, whole family, mom and dad with one child, one parent with one child.  The combinations really are endless.

But, I also think that the benefits are endless.  Take time each week to meet with your spouse and discuss your relationship.  Maybe you had a disagreement that left a sour taste in your mouth.  It's easier to discuss it in hindsight.  Councils allow you to connect as a couple and strengthen your relationship.

This council also allows you to use your attunement communication skills that I talked about in my previous post.

It's not a time to bash on each other and make your spouse feel worse.  Use it as an opportunity to discuss things you might not otherwise discuss.  My husband and I have had weekly councils before and they have been great for us.  Plus, I'm a firm believer that all councils should end in a treat.

Enjoy something sweet for your belly and your relationship.

(Gottman has a schedule for a weekly council, but I'll do that in another post.)

Repairs

What comes to your mind when you hear the word repairs?  I think of repairs to my car and I kind of dread it.  Probably because of the experiences that I've had with costly, seemingly never-ending repairs on my car.  Well, the thing with repairs is that if done correctly, they can be really beneficial and save you trouble in the future.

I'm talking about relationship repairs.  First, let's talk about "sliding door moments."  This is a term coined by John Gottman.  In our relationships, we are always wanting support and understanding from our spouse.  Those times we want support and understanding, we give bids to our spouse.  (These bids can be simple or complex:  "Will you help Evelyn brush her teeth?"  "Would you make me a sandwich?"  "I need your help.")  These bids create opportunities for sliding door moments.  One spouse will state their need (this can be subtle, but aren't always) and you will be at the sliding door moment.  You can close the door and walk away or open it and walk through.

There are moments where the sliding door moment isn't a success.  The way you respond to the bids and sliding door moments will determine if you need a repair or not.  There are two types of repairs:  cognitive and emotional.  I've used some of these repairs in my own relationships and they really do make a difference.  I feel like it gets the relationship back on track to where it should be.  (I'm not going to give the full list of repairs that Gottman mention.)

Cognitive repairs:
-Compromise
This seems pretty self explanatory.  Find that middle ground that you both agree on.  It will foster cooperation.
-Monitor the conflict
This repair makes sure that the discussion stays on track.  You can point out if you are getting off topic or if things are getting too intense.
-Ask for credit
If your spouse wanted you to do something, point out a time when you did just that.
-Stop
If the conversation isn't helpful and is doing more harm than good, put a stop to it.  Pick it up at a different time.

Emotional repairs:
-Agree
This repair I feel appeals to empathy.  You agree that your partner is right to some degree because of their perception.
-Express affection
Offer a physical gesture that shows that you care about and appreciate your spouse.
-Make promises
Now, don't go off the deep end making all these promises.  But, if there is something you can promise (and will keep that promise), go ahead and do it.
-Use humor
This can help so much (I might use this sometimes, or a lot of times.).  However, you need to make sure that your humor isn't critical of your spouse.  That will do even more damage.

Some of you are probably already doing these things.  I know when I read about them, there were some that I recognized that I was already doing.  But, practicing these repairs (as needed) will allow you to understand one another better.

The Art of Intimate Conversation

Think about parties.  Most people interrupt each other and talk past one another.  No one is really listening is happening.  There is a serious lack of good communication.  How often o we talk past one another in our conversations with our spouse?  Cross talk prevents us from having the kind of closeness that solidifies a bond.

Dr. John Gottman (who is a genius, in my opinion) discussed the art of intimate conversation.  He also refers to this as attunement - when we are really understanding one another on a deeper level and lovingly expressing that knowledge to each other.  When we are turning toward our spouse and practicing attunement, we know that real intimacy exists between a husband and wife.  Attunement means that you are paying attention to the subtle clues that your partner giving you.

There are four steps to intimate conversation:

1.  Put your feelings into words.  
Sometimes it's hard to put your feelings into words.  There are so many emotions and so many different words that can be used to describe them.  If you are unsure of what exactly your feeling, test out different words and see which ones allow you to articulate your feelings the best.

2.  Ask open ended questions.
Thinking of open ended questions can be hard.  It's a lot easier to ask questions that can be answered with a "yes" or "no."  Avoid this.  Only answering "yes" or "no" to a question doesn't allow for further discussion.  Ask questions that will encourage your spouse to expand and keep the conversation going.

3.  Follow up with statements that deepen connection.
After your spouse answers a question, respond to them by telling them what you got out of their answer.  Basically, repeat what you heard in your own words.  This will allow you know if you truly understand what your spouse is saying.  If you don't, then it gives your spouse more time to communicate what they feel/think.

4.  Express compassion and empathy.
Be your spouse's biggest cheerleader.  During this step, it's so important to just listen to what they have to say.  Don't try to solve their problems or give advice/opinions.  (This shouldn't happen until all four steps have been completed.)  If your spouse asks for advice, feel free to give it.  Gottman says, "Understanding must precede advice," and I completely agree.  Empathy allows that to happen.

Relationship reconnection:  If you choose to do this as a date, this will enrich your relationship.  Take the chance to turn toward your spouse.  Practicing and mastering this art of intimate conversation will help prevent disagreements from starting.